So I've been doing a little reflection on my upbringing and all the trauma I went through. Definitely the hardest part of growing up was being undiagnosed autistic when we didn't know as much about autism as we do today. Back when I was growing up, the diagnostic criteria for autism was very different than it was today. Unfortunately I can't explain it without using terms many people, especially autistics, consider ableist and offensive today.
Let's just say I didn't fit the diagnostic criteria for autism when I was a kid. I was misdiagnosed ADHD which was certainly part of the picture (half to be exact) but not the whole. Because we didn't know as much about autism, I had to wait until we did to get the support I needed. In particular, I had to wait to get the right training to handle social situations, as I got stuck with the flavor of autism that struggles with social situations.
Growing up, I had a really tough time fitting in, making friends, and was frequently bullied.
I definitely felt like a social misfit or an outcast, an experience frequently seen on the spectrum. My parents supported me the best they could with the resources we had available, but science just frankly wasn't where we needed it to be at the time.
Which brings me to the title of today's entry: It's Not Your Fault. It's not my fault I'm autistic. It's not my fault I the world wasn't designed with the needs of autistics in mind. It's not my fault we didn't know as much about autism back then. It's. Not. My. Fault.
I really don't like thinking about it this way because it contradicts my values: perseverance, proactivity, responsibility, etc. I even have a tattoo to represent that life isn't what happens to you, but how you respond to it. However, sometimes the cards are so stacked against you and the uphill battle you're fighting has such a steep incline that there's really nothing you can do except your best.
If you're ever going through something like this, don't make my mistake: Don't think it's all on you to change the world you aren't happy with. I'm not saying give up. Definitely do your best. I'm saying, don't be so hard on yourself. You didn't create your scenario. You were just placed in it. It's Not Your Fault.
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