As you know, music is largely an expression for me. Often my songs are born from personal journal entries. I decided it would be cool to share some of these journal entries if they aren't too hot for the public in a new series I'd like to call The Suburban Diaries. Only time will tell if these entries ever become songs, but in any case it's nice to be open and honest about what's going on in my life.
I was just doing some thinking today. (I'm always thinking. It's one of my faults.) One major lesson I have learned in dealing with my mental health since undergrad is sometimes you don't know what you're going through until you've gone through it because hindsight is always 20/20. I wasn't wrong for trying to help myself, but I was definitely going the wrong way about it because I didn't fully understand what I was dealing with.
The good news is I definitely have a better idea of what I've been going through now that I've gotten better treatment. At the center of it is definitely my autism. I am in no way ashamed of being autistic. However, like many autistics, I have always had trouble fitting in. This is just 'cause I think differently than a lot of people.
Again, not ashamed, but when I was growing up we didn't understand as much about autism as we do now. As result, I got bullied maliciously by my young peers. When I got bullied, I tried to tell the adults about it but one answer I got frequently was "just ignore them".
As dismissive as that felt at the time, I do get where the adults were coming from: We did not know yet that I was autistic and a lot of neurotypicals probably could have handled what I was going through. This is because most neurotypicals are better at understanding the underlying meanings and intent behind things.
Being autistic, I'm a bit more of a literalist, so reading between the lines is more difficult for me. When I was being bullied, whether it was for being fat, sensitive, socially awkward, etc, I felt like people were telling me that something was legitimately wrong with me. I thought if I was doing everything right, they wouldn't be making fun of me.
Being continuously bullied became traumatic for me after a while to the point that I developed complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). It got to the point that I developed an obsession with finding "the way", the "right" way to talk, act, and think so I would never get hurt, make a mistake, be criticized, etc. Any self-assured person will tell you "the way" does not exist. It's true, but I couldn't understand that because of how much I was being bullied.
While there is no treatment for autism, only coping strategies, I underwent treatment for PTSD and it worked wonders. I learned that "different" does not mean "worse" and what they were really making fun of was the fact that not only was I different, but I was unapologetic about it. They were intimidated by my confidence and my intelligence. In response, they made fun of me to try and bring me down and make themselves feel better.
The adults in my life tried to tell me this too, but at the time it didn't make sense to me. Why would I be punished for my good qualities? Treatment helped me understand that their behavior was actually a reflection of their own insecurity, not any wrongdoing on my part.
If they had a healthy self-esteem, they wouldn't need to bring me down in order to make themselves feel better. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with you. I feel like that's the biggest lesson in all this. It's most definitely hard to accept for somebody with an internal locus of control, but sometimes you just need to let go.
This brings me to the point of this post: Now that I have a better understanding of what I've been dealing with, and know that it's okay to be different, I just want to be fully, authentically myself. I want to be the best me every day and not care what others think about me.
I feel like this is always why I've dreamt of running away to Los Angeles to become a music star: I never felt like I fit in where I grew up and just wanted to go some place I thought I'd be accepted. I just wanted to be myself and be accepted for who I am.
The thing is, I now see I don't have to move or be a star to be accepted. (Most celebrities are fake anyways.) I can find others that accept me right here in Philly. I didn't have that opportunity growing up because I lived in a suburban, almost rural area with only one school district, so I was just kind of stuck with what I had to work with. I'm now a fully grown adult with my own home, transportation, and the ability to find others like me, and I intend to take full advantage of that.
So, consider this the start of a new age where my primary goal is to just be myself and not care what others think of me 😊
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